Would it be mean if I only gave my rebellious child a card on their Birthday?

I recently received an email from a friend. She is dealing with a 15 year old son who has recently been behaving very disrespectful and rebellious towards her. In the past, she like many of us, allowed herself to be manipulated because of guilt for mistakes she made.

Now she has turned her life around and is trying hard to be a good mother and not allow her past to be an excuse for not having rules or holding her son accountable for his actions. She is doing her best to help her son make good choices.

She has always given him really nice presents on his birthday and Christmas but in light of his behavior asked if I thought it would be too harsh if she just gave him a card on his birthday this year? The following is my response:

As far as your son is concerned I wouldn't think twice about only sending him a card. I have learned that you can give your kids your very life, and if they have a bad attitude they will somehow turn it into something negative!!!

I mean you could push them out of the way of an on coming bus and let the bus run you over and later all you would hear is "Ya one time, my Mom pushed me across the street for no reason. I fell and scraped both hands and knees!!! Ya and ripped a big hole in my new Tommy jeans I just bought" Of course with the money you gave him but he forgot that part?

Then someone might say "you’re not referring to the time she saved you from being hit by a bus are you?" To which the boy would reply with "Oh, is that what you heard? Ha, ha, I knew that bus was coming and I could easily have gotten out of the way." She should have left well enough alone and she'd still have her legs!!!!"

Unfortunately if your son is displaying the kind of attitude that is so disrespectful you could get him a new yacht and although he initially may flatter you with superficial gratitude eventually you will hear “you should have never given me that yacht” or just fill in the blank with any item it will be the same response.

I know this sounds a bit harsh but unfortunately it is all too true. Kids are not stupid. To the contrary they are smart. They also are like we were at that age, very head strong and foolish.

They will try to manipulate you, by making you think when you give tough love, that they think you don't love them. Initially they may really think that, but usually only for a day or two. Soon, they will hopefully realize, you are doing it because you do love them.

However, even if they don't, do you think it is ever right to reward rebellious and disrespectful behavior? Of course not!!! If you do, they will have successfully manipulated you, and disrespect you even more.

I am sorry you are having this struggle with your son. I know how painful it is. Don't beat yourself up. He is a unique human being who like all of us has the ability to choose how to act and what to say.

He is 15 years old now and you can not control him. You can't make him behave a certain way or feel a certain way. You must however have order in your home and in your life. There must be certain rules. Choose your battles wisely and do not let the fact that you are not perfect keep you from trying to set high standards.

If we all say we can’t ask our children not to do things that we did or to learn from our mistakes then we are in big trouble!!

If I have ever told a lie does that now mean I am disqualified from teaching my children that it is wrong to tell a lie?

If I have ever cheated, stolen anything, lusted after another woman, committed adultery and so on, does that mean it is no longer wrong? Because I have failed like all of humanity to perfectly obey the Ten Commandments am I to admit my defeat and never again attempt to obey them or teach those in my trust to do the same???

Do you see how ridiculous that sounds when you really look at it? If we all took that line of thinking and ran with it we would be living in a Society well, not too much different than the one we are living in now!!!

A world without any moral absolutes. Where everyone is afraid to take a stand for what is right and to declare anything wrong much less evil!!! Yet that is what “they have been telling us “whoever they are?? It is exactly what are children would try to make us believe when they suggest we have no authority because we did___________.

Lying isn’t wrong because I said so, or because I never have lied, or because I lie all the time, it is wrong because God Said So.

The same is true about adultery, murder, stealing, idol worship, Worshiping any other God besides the one true God, taking Gods name in vain, Remembering the Sabbath day to keep it Holy, coveting, and honoring your mother and father.

These moral rules are not right or wrong because I said so or because I have kept them or broken them. They are what is right and what is in our best interest because God Almighty said so!!!

The sooner we wake up and realize this, the better off as individuals, and as a society will be!!!

We have slid so far in our thinking that we actually are questioning ourselves when our children are being disrespectful, rude, and ugly towards us if not giving them a gift and only sending them a card is too mean!!!!

If I was a horrible rotten person growing up can I not teach and encourage my children to have a higher standard and to strive to be like Christ? Of course I can and I should!!!

So my answer is, no it would not be too mean. Send him the card and tell him you love him. I wouldn’t mention anything else or explain why you didn’t send a gift. You shouldn’t have to explain it!!!!

Then do your best to draw near to God. Recognize as we all must, our own faults and sin, and plead with God to help us to repent of our own sinfulness. Plead with Him to help us to change.

To help us use what time we have wisely. Spending more time in prayer and reading our Bibles. Understanding that just like in any relationship we will get to know Him better the more time we spend with Him. That by doing this we may be more like Christ and be led by Him. So that we may regain discernment between good and evil and have the courage to stand up for what is right and speak out against what is wrong. Finally that God will lead us and guide us in all our decisions and actions towards are children as well as others.

"Do not be discouraged for I am with you always even unto the end of the age" Matt. 28:20

" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13

bpersuaded